My peer group went well today.
I recieved suggestions on:
I need more sensory discriptions. I need to fix some confusing areas. Add some more thoughts to the story like i did in the last paragraph. Break last sentance up a bit.
I plan on making the revisions that my peer group sugested.
The strength is the conclusion, the weakness is the lack of description and order.
....Maybe ideas on how to impove my essay?
1 comment:
Cody,
I agree with you and your group--the ending is very powerful. I was left with a few questions though. How did you come to accept all that had happened and find peace with the situation? How did you recover from the anger and denial?
Adding more detail will also help bring alive this story. Let me give you an example of a situation where detail and images could reall make a difference. On page 2 in the first paragraph you refer to "All these emotions" but the reader can only assume what the emotions are. Can you tell us what you were thinking/feeling/experiencing? Can you put us back in that moment with you?
I would also take a closer look at the bottom of page two when you begin discussing your dad and his relationship to your Uncle Joe. Though I can see some potential here it seems a bit out of place and a sidestep from your main point. Let the focus remain solely on you because you have a very interesting perspective to tell.
You are off to a great start here and I think by really trying to transport us, your readers, into the story so we can think, feel and experience everything you did you will be well on your way to a fine essay.
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